the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
