The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
