This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
