your parents love me but you hate me
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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