I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
