that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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