Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
