Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
