you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
