Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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