he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
