i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
