My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
