I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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