i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
