I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
