Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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