Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
