I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
