please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
