my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
