So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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