when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
