Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
