why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
