did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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