i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
