I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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