she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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