I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
