If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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