I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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