it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
