And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
