do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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