I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
