come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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