youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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