Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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