I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
