you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
