Sponge bath it is.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
