I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
