threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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