hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
