they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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