I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
