I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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