Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
