just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
