Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
