She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
